Dealing With Anger
Often I am asked, “Is anger a helpful emotion?” The answer is that it “depends.” Anger can be helpful if it motivates us to make positive changes in our lives such as leaving a job that we do not enjoy or end a relationship in which is destructive. So, trying to avoid or deny anger may actually be counterproductive. “Stuffing ones anger” can lead to depression or explosiveness. If you stuff your anger eventually you may explode like a volcano and say or do things you may regret. It is important to be aware of your anger and put it to good use and hopefully weave it into something which can be helpful versus destructive.
My approach in working with people with problems with anger is not to have them avoid or get rid of their anger, but to develop ways to develop an awareness of their anger and determine helpful ways to respond versus destructive ways. Rational Emotive Therapy (RET) is the cornerstone of the approach I use. A number of years ago, I was introduced to RET by attending an introductory workshop with Albert Ellis., who was the founder of RET. I had the privilege of working directly with him and saw the benefit of integrating RET in assisting others with anger management and a variety of issues. One of Ellis’s favorite philosophers was Epiticus. Epiticus said, “People are not disturbed by things, but they are disturbed by the views they take of them.” I try to help people see that how we feel is not caused by or determined by external events or processes. How we feel is determined by our perceptions and beliefs. By changing our irrational beliefs to beliefs and thoughts that are rational and helpful, we can respond in helpful ways. Now, this is not always an easy process. We are creatures of habit, so it takes effort and practice to make changes.
RET and a focus on cognitive distortions such as blaming, magnifying and catastrophizing assists clients in developing helpful responses to situations where their anger is triggered. I usually tell clients to ask themselves these two questions: 1. Is what you are doing with your anger helpful or destructive? and, 2. Is the person you are angry with intentionally trying to harm you? If your expression of anger is destructive then it is important to examine your beliefs for the presence of irrational beliefs, then, replace those beliefs with rational and helpful beliefs. Usually people we are angry with are not intentionally trying to be harmful.
Knowing and doing are two different things. I encourage clients to put into practice their knowledge and insights. Learning how to improve communication and reduce stress are also important aspects of managing anger.
