Coping with Grief
I decided to post something regarding grief and how to cope with the loss of a loved one. Recently I myself suffered a loss. My ninety-nine year old mother-in-law died. The death of my mother-in-law was difficult for a variety of reasons, but yet it was not unexpected. She lived in Springfield for the past several years and my wife and I assisted her on a regular basis so she could maintain as much independence as possible. She lived a wonderfully full life so accepting her death has been much easier than would be the sudden death of a loved one.
How one reacts to a death is rooted in their beliefs and past losses. My father officiated at many funerals as a Rabbi; However, I attended only one funeral as a child and was not really exposed to death and the grieving process. I suppose one could say no one is really ever prepared for the loss of a loved one. This is however especially true for an unexpected death and the death of a child. When an older individual has lived a full life and dies, this is expected. We are ill prepared to cope when a young individual develops a terminal disease or is killed in an accident.
Grief is a normal response to a loss. I say to my clients that it is important not to “get over a death” but it is important to “work through” the grieving process. There is no one correct way to grieve. Some may have frequent periods of tearfulness while others may not display emotion. Some may be able to return quickly to a “normal” routine while others may need to do it gradually.
I was listening to a tape about grief the other day and heard it was said that most people believe the grieving process should end in a few weeks or months. However, the grieving process for some may take much longer and in fact take years. I can only imagine what it would be like to experience the death of a child. The thought of one of my children being killed in and of itself is incomprehensible. Finding someone you can talk with and share your thoughts and feelings is extremely important. Soon after experiencing a tragic death it is common for people to be confused and forgetful. Friends and family return to their lives while you now may have to face the most difficult challenge you have ever faced. The pain will lessen and the fog will lift. However, most people will have difficult times especially the first year. Birthdays and Holidays are experienced without the presence of your friend or family member and this may generate sadness and depression. Preparing for those days is important. Finding a way to recognize the loss and absence of a loved one is helpful.
In future posts I will discuss ways in which to cope with a death. For now, remember there is no manual on how to grieve. We all will develop our unique ways to learn to accept a death and integrate the life of those we loved into our lives.
