How one reacts to a death is rooted in their beliefs and past losses. My father officiated at many funerals as a Rabbi;  However, I attended only one funeral as a child and was not really exposed to death and the grieving process. I suppose one could say no one is really ever prepared for the loss of a loved one. This is however especially true for an unexpected death and the death of a child. When an older individual has lived a full life and dies, this is expected. We are ill prepared to cope when a young individual develops a terminal disease or is killed in an accident.

Grief is a normal response to a loss. I say to my clients that it is important not to “get over a death” but it is important to “work through” the grieving process. There is no one correct way to grieve. Some may have frequent periods of tearfulness while others may not display emotion. Some may be able to return quickly to a “normal” routine while others may need to do it gradually.

I was listening to a tape about grief the other day and heard it was said that most people believe the grieving process should end in a few weeks or months. However, the grieving process for some may take much longer and in fact take years. I can only imagine what it would be like to experience the death of a child. The thought of one of my children being killed in and of itself is incomprehensible. Finding someone you can talk with and share your thoughts and feelings is extremely important. Soon after experiencing a tragic death it is common for people to be confused and forgetful. Friends and family return to their lives while you now may have to face the most difficult challenge you have ever faced. The pain will lessen and the fog will lift. However, most people will have difficult times especially the first year. Birthdays and Holidays are experienced without the presence of your friend or family member and this may generate sadness and depression. Preparing for those days is important. Finding a way to recognize the loss and absence of a loved one is helpful.

In future posts I will discuss ways in which to cope with a death. For now, remember there is no manual on how to grieve. We all will develop our unique ways to learn to accept a death and integrate the life of those we loved into our lives.

My approach in working with people with problems with anger is not to have them avoid or get rid of their anger, but to develop ways to develop an awareness of their anger and determine helpful ways to respond versus destructive ways. Rational Emotive Therapy (RET) is the cornerstone of the approach I use. A number of years ago, I was introduced to RET by attending an introductory workshop with Albert Ellis., who was the founder of RET. I had the privilege of working directly with him and saw the benefit of integrating RET in assisting others with anger management and a variety of issues. One of Ellis’s favorite philosophers was Epiticus. Epiticus said, “People are not disturbed by things, but they are disturbed by the views they take of them.” I try to help people see that how we feel is not caused by or determined by external events or processes. How we feel is determined by our perceptions and beliefs. By changing our irrational beliefs to beliefs and thoughts that are rational and helpful, we can respond in helpful ways. Now, this is not always an easy process. We are creatures of habit, so it takes effort and practice to make changes.

RET and a focus on cognitive distortions such as blaming, magnifying and catastrophizing assists clients in developing helpful responses to situations where their anger is triggered. I usually tell clients to ask themselves these two questions: 1. Is what you are doing with your anger helpful or destructive? and, 2. Is the person you are angry with intentionally trying to harm you? If your expression of anger is destructive then it is important to examine your beliefs for the presence of irrational beliefs, then, replace those beliefs with rational and helpful beliefs. Usually people we are angry with are not intentionally trying to be harmful.

Knowing and doing are two different things. I encourage clients to put into practice their knowledge and insights. Learning how to improve communication and reduce stress are also important aspects of managing anger.

I would just like to thank my son Isaac for spending countless hours on the design and development of this website.